I imagine that preparing for highly anticipated sex is a lot like planning a fancy dinner party. I don’t cook, so I may never test the validity of that hypothesis, but both involve a lot of painstaking planning, timing, and meticulous work. I’m sure some women are mature and self-actualized goddesses who don’t feel the need to shave, groom, or do anything before they get naked and touch another human being that they really, really want to touch. I am not one of them, and I’d like to formally salute the other anxious ladies in this world with this one.
Number 1 : 5 Things Girls Do Before They Have S3x With You
1) We
shave. Shave it all. If I could afford it, I would most definitely have
a wizard with a laser remove all of the hair from my legs and
underarms, and possibly even my bikini line if that’s a thing that we do
now. I would tell her to put that shit on Star Wars-style blast and
burn off all of my body hair until I can walk up to a newborn and be
like, “Ew, you hairy beast.” Okay, I’m not a monster, but you get the
point. I want that shit gone. I kind of could afford it if I used a
Lifebooker coupon, but I’m not sure that I believe in using coupons when
it comes to lasering one of my major organs. I know, I know. I don’t
need to shave and many women don’t. Gender norms, femininity; I have
my Tumblr Bachelor’s degree, I get it. But something about the feeling
of rubbing my freshly shaved and lotioned legs together makes me feel
like, twenty times more stoked to get naked with another person. God
bless to all of you out there who shave your arms. It’s traumatic enough
for me enough to find missed patches on my legs after spending twenty
minutes dragging a tiny blade up them ever so gently, so I can’t imagine
the kind of angst that comes with finding an orangutan patch on the
arms you work so hard to keep weirdly smooth. Trust your struggle.
Number 2 : 5 Things Girls Do Before They Have S3x With You
2) We tweeze and wax. Oh, you didn’t think my eyebrows were instruments of seduction? Au
contraire. If you’ve been on the Internet (cool, shitty place FYI) in the past year, you know that ‘eyebrow game’ is a thing. And few things make me feel like a new woman like shaping my eyebrows into strong and beautiful bitch-in-charge contours above my eyes. When I win the eyebrow game, best believe I’m feeling like I could kick even Cara DeLevigne’s bushy browed ass. Also, I wax my upper lip because I’m Sicilian and I don’t want a mustache. It’s true. If you and I were ever stuck on a deserted island together, I would probably look like Mario within four months. That truth is not se xy to me, so I buried it with years of waxing, never to see the light of day, or the dark of any dude’s apartment.
contraire. If you’ve been on the Internet (cool, shitty place FYI) in the past year, you know that ‘eyebrow game’ is a thing. And few things make me feel like a new woman like shaping my eyebrows into strong and beautiful bitch-in-charge contours above my eyes. When I win the eyebrow game, best believe I’m feeling like I could kick even Cara DeLevigne’s bushy browed ass. Also, I wax my upper lip because I’m Sicilian and I don’t want a mustache. It’s true. If you and I were ever stuck on a deserted island together, I would probably look like Mario within four months. That truth is not se xy to me, so I buried it with years of waxing, never to see the light of day, or the dark of any dude’s apartment.
Number 3 : 5 Things Girls Do Before They Have S3x With You
3) We
tell our friends we’re going to have s ex with you. Sorry. Maybe this
doesn’t apply to all of you moral angels out there in this online world,
but if I’m planning on having s ex with a guy, I’m also telling two
different group texts of my closest friends that I’m going to do so.
Why? I don’t know. It’s a lot like sending them pictures of me in a
dressing room in different outfits I’m trying on. It’s fun and stops me
from making a terrible mistake out of desperation. Sorry, shitty guys
and girls of the world who have fucked a lot of people over. There is a
roadblock on your path. Try Tinder.
Number 4 : 4 Things Girls Do Before They Have S3x With You
4) We
think about it. We think about what you’re going to look like naked, if
you’ll be the kind of person who uses all soft, light touches that
almost tickle, or if you’ll be the kind who makes strong grabs that feel
confident and sure. We think about when it will happen, what the color
of your sheets will be. For the love of God, we hope you’ll have sheets.
But I digress. Girls think about s ex. We think about it a lot. We’re
told that we don’t and shouldn’t think about it as much as guys, but
then we do, and we catch ourselves saying things like, “I’m acting like a
dude.” No, you’re normal. Whether we’re thinking about having se x with
a guy or a girl or just se x in the abstract of maybe wanting to have
it sometime with someone, we’re still thinking about s ex. Human beings
are kind of into that in general, regardless of gender. Science!
Number 5 : 5 Things Girls Do Before They Have S3x With You
We
plan. The logistics of this are essential. If I’ve already put all this
time and hair removing into it, then we’d better make it good. I’m not
trying to do this drunk after we run into each other at the local bar.
We’re making plans, whether it’s dinner, or Netflix, or brunch, or
getting stoned in your car and then watching Netflix, there’s going to
be a before, during, and after. I’m planning the day and the time and
the thing. Maybe I’m planning what I’ll wear. Maybe we’re thinking and
planning and doing all of this because we’re nervous and want to be
confident, or maybe it’s just a matter of making the time pass between
then and now, until there’s no distance, time, or space between us.
Until it’s just you, and me, and no before, nothing left to do but what
we want to do.
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